Sunday, June 29, 2008


Jews come in all shapes, sizes and colors, but there are three main types: L.A. Jew, NY Jew and Israeli Jew. These are the three homelands of Judaism. Jews feel slightly less comfortable in other places like the South (Jesus is a big deal in the South and the Jews may or may not have killed him) or Europe (Holocaust). Though there are a few Jews living just about everywhere.

An L.A. Jew might drive a hybrid vehicle, worry about getting too much sun exposure, eat burritos, buy into certain new age hokum smokum, go to a wide range of chiropractors and control the world via Hollywood, banking or mutual funds.

A NY Jew may be slightly more neurotic, have some vague belief in socialism, eat hot dogs and have strong opinions about them, punch some guy in the face or more likely threaten to, not believe you can find a proper pastrami sandwich or a decent bagel in L.A., say what’s on his or her mind and root for the Brooklyn Dodgers.

A whole other breed of Jew from a world away, an Israeli Jew might have experience in handling automatic weapons, be big and furry, not care much for the Arabs, have dark skin and sort of resemble an Arab, speak English with a pervasive, spitting accent, have a large family of hardscrabble peoples, know a thing or two about planting stuff and wear an eye patch.

Any of these three types of Jews might wear a yarmulke, observe the Sabbath, eat Hebrew National hot dogs or believe themselves to be the chosen people (though more so the Israeli Jews than the other two types).

Or any of these three types of Jews might be an atheist, go to temple on Yom Kippur because they feel compelled or never go at all, believe in some sort of vague Buddhist bullshit or consider the religious aspect of Judaism to be nearly as silly and outright obnoxious as Christianity or Islam.

All of these types of Jews complain about lack of parking spaces (less so the NY Jew who may rely on public transportation). These are the main types of Jews and none of them really belong in the South.

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