“Good afternoon everyone (spoken with a thick drawl), I am joined here today by Lieutenant Governor Jebediah Horseradish, Speaker Rikki Tikki Tavi, General Buford B. Bunsworth and you are all familiar with Doctor Mengele.
Last week, the White House issued guidelines for states to begin reopening and spreading the virus more rapidly. We appreciate their leadership and share in the president’s desire to get Americans back to work, no matter the cost in lives. Georgia is a prideful state. We believe in traditional values. Our peaches, peanuts and trap music are loved the world over. Given the favorable data, that nobody I like much or know very well has died from the virus, we will allow a random and odd selection of businesses to open this Friday, April 24.
First, I will begin with the hallowed American sport of bowling. Some of you may consider this a manner in which to escape the sadness of our dark times. You would be correct in assuming that I like to bowl with the family on Sunday afternoons and that I ain’t bad. Hell, I can bowl! We cannot let the terrorists win, so, by executive order, I am reopening the bowling alleys, and asking that you do not let your younger children run roughshod through the arcade with their fingers all covered in Cheetos powder and touching that one game I like where you shoot the deer, Big Buck whatever.
Now, as some of you may know, I have a tattoo of a not quite smiling Mike Pence on my ankle. My wife thinks it’s sexy and she’s not wrong. By executive order, I am reopening the body art studios.
Also, applying strict social distancing, I am allowing nail salon artists, massage therapists, cosmetologists, hair designers, barbers and human beatboxes to reopen their respective businesses and not request unemployment from the state anymore, please.
Now, I haven’t been to the gym in eight years, though I may still be paying for the membership because I could never figure out how to cancel the damn thing. By executive order, I am opening all the gyms, so Georgia, put down your salty snacks and your grilled meat sandwiches, and go into them places and sweat all over the person next to you while applying proper social distancing, as the president in his infinite wisdom has said you should do, though he wouldn’t ever do it and doesn’t give a toot if you do either and he stole all the toilet paper and kept it for himself. I also have three rooms in the governor’s mansion filled with toilet paper and I don’t even ever remember to use toilet paper. I don’t even know why I took it all, but it was kind of fun and cruel and I like that.
I remind you that gun stores, ammunition supermarts, old white men places of interest, Civil War memorials and gift shops, as well as golf courses remain open and in fact, never closed.
I just learned that the virus is spread from person to person, so I will be updating these executive orders after I forget to wash my hands.
Thank you, and God bless.”