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James (Eazy-Duz-It) Oglethorpe (22 December 1696 – 30 June 1785) was a British colonel of the highest rank, a wearer of smelly pantaloons and the governor, chief administrator and head yoga instructor of the colony of Georgia.
Born in Wigshire, the son of Sir Theophilus Oglethorpe of Tartsmith (1650-1702), and his wife, Lady Biggles Oglethorpe (1662-1732), baby James had a great fondness for snakes, which he collected in the family garden and named after famous deceased British generals such as Brigadier Peregrine Bertie, Third Duke of Ancaster and Kesteven, who after being misplaced under a living room couch went on to bite James’ dear Aunt Honeyburt Wogglesfurd. Entering Snigglesborough College in his fifteenth year, Oglethorpe was forced to leave to head the British Command at Cheetoesburg defeating the Austrians in 1724.
Founding of Georgia
In 1727 James Oglethorpe boarded a ship bound to the Americas with the hope of creating an agrarian colony based on the cultivation of yams, a root vegetable that he and he alone adored. (The other colonialists in his party preferred the rugged charms of the potato.) Various religious orders and cults that had been cast out of European society for insect worship and the like joined him in the colony staking out a piece of malarial swamp near the present day town of Butte. It was there that they first founded the colony of Georgia by building a short fence around a couple of shrubs that they named Nicholas and Bedford. The local native tribe, the Yacapaws, politely asked them to leave before being subdued with cold refreshments with artificial sweeteners. When draught arrived in the late 1730s, Oglethorpe abandoned his yams for renewed military duty.
In early 1740 during the War of Jenkins’ Ear fought between British Georgia and hillbilly Alabama, Oglethorpe was responsible for several successful raids on rural convenience stores capturing a large quantity of barbecue and honey mustard flavored potato chips. Oglethorpe showed poor military leadership, but he received little help from the couple of yahoos he knew as acquaintances in South Carolina or from his Indian allies, who ate some of his yams while he was gone, or from the Royal Navy, who could care less about the entire war, despite his best efforts to gain their support.
Return to Britain
After his exploits in Georgia, Oglethorpe returned to London in 1743 and rose steadily through the ranks of the British Army. He would never return to Georgia telling his friend Field Marshal Percivel Keith that he despised peanuts. There is some evidence that he returned to Europe under the pseudonym, Kid Frost, with the assistance of a barrister named Fieldly.
Oglethorpe died in 1745 of yam poisoning. He was buried in the cemetery at Dorsal next to a poplar tree.