Sunday, February 24, 2019


All over the South, on godforsaken highways next to fields of weeds and in the middle of small-ish cities with almost no human beings, there are moldy historical markers recalling times when there was even less. Apparently, there are 2600 or so historical markers in Georgia, the third most of any state, with nearly a thousand related to the Civil War, many erected in the mid-‘50s and a few unabashedly glorifying the Confederacy. Because I have nothing better to do, I sometimes read them and I have discovered that they are poorly written, universally boring and often mention the obscurest historical events that could be of interest to only the most diehard Civil War scholars.

While I don’t have the money to erect my own (they are sturdy and metal), I have come up with some inaccurate Civil War events that could become historical markers of vaguely significant happenings that may not have occurred.
14th Artillery Division Crosses Umpahpah Creek

Following the rout of the 18th and 46th regiments at Reynold’s Twig, Sargent Lucien Rathbone and the 14th crossed Umpahpah creek, leaving their artillery on the other side and then forgetting about it for nearly three days hence. Near Zebulon, it was remarked that their load seemed lighter and their movements brisker, before Rathbone let loose with a remarkable stream of cuss words sending spittle flying in the direction of Private Garth Corbett, who wore an expression both sullen and reproachful.

Pickett’s Advance

On May 3, 1862, Colonel Aadieus Pickett was awakened at eighteen hundred hours with the need to relieve himself and in his half-sleep searching for a thicket, he came upon a division of Confederate soldiers sleeping and unbeknownst to all did a No. 2, where their campfire had once been, without awakening anyone, but on the way back to his camp, he unwittingly went in the opposite direction, collapsed into a narrow ravine and fell fast asleep three paces from a raccoon nest.

The Death of Gen. Braxton Theodore Parsnip

Maj. Gen. Braxton Theodore Parsnip, commanding a division of Confederate cavalry, who had retreated after the skirmish at Titsdale, in the early hours of Sunday, June 1, 1864, sat on a fallen log trimming his expansive accumulation of moustaches when a bullet fired from the Southeast felled him in one shot. It was near this spot that the noble and gallant Gen. Parsnip left this world and entered the kingdom of heaven with his whiskers untidy.

Turnball’s Brigade

In the waning daylight hours of Wednesday, April 14, 1863, Meriwether Turnball’s brigade moved three steps to the left and then forward beyond a fallen stump, where they were met by two squirrels. Outflanked to the east by Union General Barnard Hodgkins’ 13th regiment, they attempted to secure the railway spur near Fort Twizzler, but realized they had lost their map three months previous in the lower Carolina, so instead huddled among the few pine trees on the northernmost ridge and had discussions on the subjects of ladies and food.

Thursday, December 8, 2016


Though Donald Trump somehow won the presidential election, some of his supporters still feel iffy expressing their admiration for him or even mentioning in public that they voted for the man. Here are some quotes from Georgia Trump voters, who feel slightly oppressed by their own political sympathies or the possible condemnation of those who feel otherwise:

“I’m what you might call a moderate member of the KKK. I don’t go for hating everybody. I don’t put on the robes much, usually wear dark colors, jeans and what have you. Some of them other guys get kind of worked up about everything and they I guess, surprisingly, they didn’t like Trump. Some of them voted for Cruz in the primary, though, the name, you know, Cruz, doesn’t seem like your KKK type candidate. Honestly, it’s hard to find a white supremacist presidential candidate and the way I figure, Trump is as good as it’s ever going to get, so I voted for him. But I didn’t say nothin’ around the other guys, ‘cause some of them don’t think he’s hateful enough. He’s plenty hateful to me.”

Russ Stamford, Grand Dragon of the Forsyth County KKK

“My wife is a woman and while I was an enthusiastic supporter of President Trump, she seemed to think he was some sort of serial rapist because of all the news reports about all the women he raped. I don’t think that’s the greatest thing that he did there, but what’s more important, I believe, is protecting America from immigration. And, you know, my wife was always making these vomit faces while I was watching Fox News and she didn’t go to the rally in Macon with me, where there were about 8 billion people, all going apeshit. I remember telling my wife how incredible it was when I returned home that night, like when I saw the movie Forrest Gump, and she started making that face and the little noises cats make when they have fur stuck at the back of their throat.”

Ernest Foster, contractor and possessor of a fairly flappy moustache

“I am so happy that Hitlery Clinton was not elected because she would have turned America into a Muslim country, just like Obama tried, where the women all wear these black outfits like they’s evil balloons or something. I am not a fan of these elitists with their ideas and their big words and their smarty pants attitudes toward real people. I come from real people. My daddy worked hard as a stonemason before he dropped dead at age 16 and my mama raised me and my brothers to love America and salute the flag. Of course, I volunteered to get out the vote for Trump. I have been an avid supporter since Day 1. But a few months ago, at work, the one time I wore my “Making American Grapes Again” cap, this mean, angry black lady in the maintenance department was looking at me like I was some kinda mangy dog, like I was some less than human supporter of genuine, pure evil.”

Lillian Baxter Frost, Honda sales department, Zebulon, Georgia

“The thing I like about Trump, as opposed to all those Demoncrats, is that he doesn’t really give a dang. I feel like he’s sorta like me. Sometimes, I get some ideaer in my head and I don’t feel like holding back. I’ll just tell the first person I see what’s on mind. I’m a real personable, friendly kind of fellow, but sometimes the ideaer might be something like why don’t we send all the China people back to Japan or why don’t people learn to speak English good like me, if they want to live in this country and be free to, for instance, order the family sized deal of pizza and chicken wings for $12.99 and eat the whole dang thing themselves. If you go to Iraq, the chicken wings don’t come in fifteen flavors. There’s only like three and one might be black bean hummus or something. What I’m sayin’ is Trump seems like the kind of guy who will tell people what he thunk before he even really thunk it. He just pulls stuff out of everywhichwhere and I can respect that. He just makes it up as he goes along or it makes itself up. And I’m like that. I don’t feel so right, honestly, telling people that I like Trump, though, because I am afraid he might be the antichrist.”

Jackson Turley, long haul truck driver

Wednesday, October 12, 2016


On the evening of October 23, 1987, Def Leppard were headlining the Omni Coliseum in Atlanta, a concert that had sold out in a record 24 minutes, when tickets had become available three months prior. Def Leppard’s aptly named Hysteria Tour was widely anticipated and Atlantans far and wide descended on the arena that evening, hoping to score tickets, if they were not fortunate enough to possess them. It may be an urban legend or it may be concrete fact, but it is generally believed that every single person who lived within the city limits, even those in nursing homes and babies just born, made their way to the Omni Coliseum that night, some paying outrageous prices to scalpers, others huddling in the parking lot singing in unison the chorus to “Pour Some Sugar On Me.”

Here is an oral history of that historic night:

“I had a dietary food allergy to walnuts, yet I had eaten a whole bag of them that day and was really sick. I had forgotten that my girlfriend, Connie, had bought tickets to the Def Leppard concert that night. I liked country music, but I really wanted to see Def Leppard because I heard the drummer only had one arm. He had been in a tractor accident or something. I was feeling terrible, but I went and picked her up. Our seats were so far back that the band looked like baby fleas. But the music was pretty good. I couldn’t see the drummer’s arm. Connie and I broke up when she started dating the singer of this local band, Blonz. I thought they was queers with their long curly hair, tight jeans and pouty mouths, but I guess not.”

Jackson Curtis, age 57

“I was sick with the flu, didn’t want go to no concert. My son want to go, didn’t have no driver’s license. I drive him there, sit around, lot of white folk, lot of black folk, too many people. It was crazy. The music was loud and shitty. The music in the ‘80s was loud and shitty. I didn’t have no fun. My boy, I lost him a few times out dere in dat parking lot with all dem people all crazy. It was just another dumb thang he did.”

Lester A. Cole, age 67

“I believe my son, Harry, was dealing illegal substances at the time. Eight years ago, they finally released him from Dooly State Prison. We was going through old photographs and there was one of us together at the Def Leppard concert. He was wearing that expensive T-shirt that he bought in the parking lot. I don’t thank it was a real T-shirt, like from the band and all, because the lettering was already fading when he bought it. He was smiling with that cute, flappity moustache he used to have. I don’t think we ever did see the concert that night and I still have no idea what Def Leppard is or why he brought his momma.”

Sandy Adcock, age 91, believed to be the oldest living attendee

Sunday, April 10, 2016


8:45 am Introductory religious hate speech and cake making with Pastor Wendell “Chip” Slattery

9:30 am Carlotta Ramona’s Grace of God Zumba fitness class

10:15 am Glad-handing and back slapping with the Good Ol’ Boy Jessup Brothers

11 am Slave cabin tiny tykes ballet

11:15 am Camp Cloister Fox hunting

12 pm Kayak shore lunch of marigold peas

2:30 pm Rainbow Island racist yoga

2:40 pm Exploitation of slavery legacy and touristical profiteering for plantation owner grandchildren group discussion in a golf cart

3:30 pm Fish dissection and dock fishing in a golf cart

3:45 pm Beach Club Theater Presents “The Birth of a Nation” PG 154 min.

4:45 pm Jackson “Skip to My Lou” Reynolds’ Ladies golf fundamentals and white power clinic

5:30 pm Plus-sized pilates

6-9 pm Live at the Colonial Lounge: Bare bottom bluegrass with the Stinky Toe Boys

Tuesday, October 27, 2015


Now that we've lived here for this long, we might as well make our own molasses. We have no choice.

Wednesday, June 4, 2014


As for who to quote on a billboard about educating kids, Hitler was a very bad choice. Herbert Hoover is also someone you don't want to be quoting, but Hitler was well, really not a good choice.

Tuesday, February 4, 2014


Georgia, you are a bore a lot of the time, and a dependable bore at that. However, you are, for the most part, well mannered. And there, you have something over snotty Angelenos, I guess. People in L.A. can be jerkamabobs. Let’s not pretend otherwise.

For example, throwing a party in Atlanta, where I live, and throwing one in Los Angeles, where I’m from, is an entirely different experience in almost every conceivable way. I have only been to a handful of children’s parties in L.A., where I have only thrown adult parties in the somewhat distant past. Here, in Hotlanta, I have only thrown birthday parties for my daughter. But I’m pretty sure the differences in party behavior still apply. If I’m wrong, please correct me.

If you throw a kid’s party here, people will arrive at either the exact hour of the party or maybe a half hour late. If they plan to come any later, they will email you ahead of time to make sure that’s OK. Nobody in Los Angeles would ever do that. Almost everyone that says they are coming will show up at the appointed hour. One or two might not make it. They will likely email apologetically and explain that they or their child has the stomach flu. And they really will have the stomach flu. If say, the party starts at 3 pm, the party will begin winding down around 4 with people starting to leave and thanking you profusely for inviting them and by 5 pm, all will have left. The same amount of people who said they were coming on the Evite will have shown, off maybe by two at most.

Though, I have done no research, I think this formula may not just apply to Atlanta or the South, but to most of America, or at least, all the places where strangers say hi to you when you pass them in the street, either out of friendliness or nervousness.

Not the case in L.A., though. If you have a party for adults that starts at say, 8 pm, you shouldn’t expect anyone until 9:25 or so. But people will really start ringing the doorbell ten or twenty minutes later and pop in at any old time throughout the night. Someone will show up at 11:45. You can expect maybe a half or a third of the folks who responded uproariously to the Evite to not show up at all.

Then there’s the person who shows up and leaves after ten minutes. You will not witness them skedaddling stealthily out the door. You’ll just wonder where they are. It could even be a pretty good friend. They will have gone off to something more fun, no doubt. I’ve done it. There might actually be something more fun to do in L.A., not so in Atlanta, no way, no how.