“Good afternoon everyone (spoken with a thick drawl), I am
joined here today by Lieutenant Governor Jebediah Horseradish, Speaker Rikki
Tikki Tavi, General Buford B. Bunsworth and you are all familiar with Doctor Mengele.
Last week, the White House issued guidelines for states to
begin reopening and spreading the virus more rapidly. We appreciate their
leadership and share in the president’s desire to get Americans back to work,
no matter the cost in lives. Georgia is a prideful state. We believe in traditional
values. Our peaches, peanuts and trap music are loved the world over. Given the
favorable data, that nobody I like much or know very well has died from the
virus, we will allow a random and odd selection of businesses to open this
Friday, April 24.
First, I will begin with the hallowed American sport of
bowling. Some of you may consider this a manner in which to escape the sadness
of our dark times. You would be correct in assuming that I like to bowl with
the family on Sunday afternoons and that I ain’t bad. Hell, I can bowl! We cannot
let the terrorists win, so, by executive order, I am reopening the bowling alleys,
and asking that you do not let your younger children run roughshod through the
arcade with their fingers all covered in Cheetos powder and touching that one
game I like where you shoot the deer, Big Buck whatever.
Now, as some of you may know, I have a tattoo of a not quite
smiling Mike Pence on my ankle. My wife thinks it’s sexy and she’s not wrong. By
executive order, I am reopening the body art studios.
Also, applying strict social distancing, I am allowing nail
salon artists, massage therapists, cosmetologists, hair designers, barbers and human
beatboxes to reopen their respective businesses and not request unemployment
from the state anymore, please.
Now, I haven’t been to the gym in eight years, though I may
still be paying for the membership because I could never figure out how to
cancel the damn thing. By executive order, I am opening all the gyms, so
Georgia, put down your salty snacks and your grilled meat sandwiches, and go
into them places and sweat all over the person next to you while applying
proper social distancing, as the president in his infinite wisdom has said you
should do, though he wouldn’t ever do it and doesn’t give a toot if you do
either and he stole all the toilet paper and kept it for himself. I also have
three rooms in the governor’s mansion filled with toilet paper and I don’t even
ever remember to use toilet paper. I don’t even know why I took it all, but it
was kind of fun and cruel and I like that.
I remind you that gun stores, ammunition supermarts, old
white men places of interest, Civil War memorials and gift shops, as well as golf
courses remain open and in fact, never closed.
I just learned that the virus is spread from person to person,
so I will be updating these executive orders after I forget to wash my hands.
Thank you, and God bless.”
Posts
