From Lalaland to Dixieland

CUPCAKE STORE CONCEPTS

2012-01-31T10:51:00.000-08:00

Recently, my wife and I drove around town looking for cupcakes for my daughter's preschool class. First, we stopped at something called the Cupcake Lounge in Grant Park and didn't go in because that really wasn't what we were looking for. Then, we headed to a tiny cupcake shop in Poncey-Highland, which had perhaps 12 cupcakes available for $3 each (We needed 20). The only other items for sale that I noticed were rice crispy marshmallow treats and sad looking office coffee. How does that place manage to stay in business? Not wishing to be raped in our search for reasonably priced, not necessarily ornate cupcakes, we ended up at Kroger. Since then, I have noticed a couple more cupcake stores in town and it sparked my imagination enough to come up with a few ideas:

1. The sign says GUNS & KKK MEMORABILIA to attract yokels, but when they go in, it's just cupcakes, though some with confederate flag designs. Having been lured in, they may decide, "Oh, I was looking for a hunting rifle and a grand dragon T-shirt, but I guess a cupcake will do."

2. A cupcake shop in Little Five Points with flavors such as hemp, hacky sack, nasty burrito, grunge and methamphetamine, three for five bucks. The hacky sack ones can be kicked around for a while until they fall apart.

3. Boutique Cupcakes in Virginia Highlands might have cupcakes ranging from $4 to $8, flavors include acai blackberry for those who will eat something disgusting, as long as it's healthy, the organic chai yoga aromatherapeutic cupcake for the upwardly mobile and socially conscious mom on the go and a microbrewed, heady, pale ale craft cupcake for dad and his sweater vest.

4. Cobb County Cupcakes, perhaps owned by the conservative Marietta Daily Journal newspaper, could sell Newt Gingrich Cupcakes, pompous, red-tinted sweets with white frosting on top and jowls, anti-Commie cupcakes, which are opposed to government-run healthcare for the poor and sick, so are overpriced and benefit drug companies and insurers, and pro-marriage cupcakes, which preserve the sanctity of the holy act of marriage between a man and a woman in a somewhat gay looking cupcake.

5. A cupcake shop catered to successful, urban, single women, much like an idiotically themed local steakhouse that recently opened in Atlanta. The designer cupcakes are overpriced, undersized and locally grown.

4 SETS

2012-01-14T08:17:00.001-08:00

Dear Mayor Kasim Reed,

Next to my house, there is this sign, which cautions motorists of approaching speed humps, apparently patterned in "4 Sets." However, you will not encounter eight speed humps on this street. What does this sign mean by "4 Sets?" Sets implies more than one of something. There are only four speed humps. I guess that could be one set. Please remove this baffling sign!

Sincerely,

Outraged Citizen

GOOFY

2012-01-06T20:34:00.000-08:00

Is beloved Goofy another unkind Southern stereotype?

Yes, he dang well sure is.

HILLBILLY GRANDPA TERRORISTS

2011-11-02T08:04:00.000-07:00

A group of four pissed-off, hillbilly senior citizens (between the ages of 65 and 73) in North Georgia were allegedly planning terrorist attacks in the U.S. with chemical weapons and explosives. Perhaps not having the brightest light bulbs in their heads, they quickly hooked up with FBI informants and were arrested yesterday. Here is the story:

http://news.yahoo.com/4-suspected-ga-militia-members-accused-plot-125152827.html

SIGNS OF THE SOUTH III

2011-10-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

Though the combination is inviting and odd, I think I will go in the other direction.

I do not want this weird looking rasta cat doing any plumbing in my house.

As your fantabulous mayor, my first priority is to sexy up this dowdy city hall.

Reads "If the North is so great, why don't you go back!"

What could it have been?

The poor Jews of Cartersville pray here.

We will update other specifics later.

My cat has gotten so fat, I done need a cat scale, and a shower, and some home cooking, and maybe some gas.

THE COLONNADE

2011-08-13T22:35:00.000-07:00

An odd Atlanta institution, the Colonnade (1879 Cheshire Bridge Road, 30324), in business since 1927, is a restaurant of unparalleled Southern hospitality, where genteel ladies and eccentric queer sofa salesmen eat grilled calf's liver and wash it down with a Sea Breeze. Opening at 5 pm on weekdays, the restaurant quickly gets packed with the 70 and up crowd, who order dishes that no longer exist in present day reality. Later, the Colonnade's clientele gets gayer and louder, tending toward groups of middle aged men talking smack about some guy named Leonard. The two spacious rooms and bar clear out by the early 9 pm closing time, 10 on weekends.

Not far from the door is the Colonnade's affable host, an elderly Don Knotts looking fellow, who announces through an amplifier, "Constance, party of three, Engelbert, party of five, Sodom, party of two." All the wait staff are as sweet as butterscotch pie and the food is endearing and heartfelt, ranging from traditional Southern classics to uppity, somewhat schmantzy specials to dishes that began to go out of favor during Reconstruction.

At the table next to you, you might overhear someone ordering...

"Now let's see, I will have the grilled polecat with apricot remoulade and zipper beans on the side and oh, I guess for my second side, how about fluffy whipped parakeets. And I'll start with the dill osprey salad with... goat beard vinaigrette."

"And what would you like to drink? Perhaps some flannel tea with a little lemon zest or a Heifer Gingerale," asks the waitress enthusiastically.

"Uh, no, I think I will live a little and have a cocktail. How about a Hotel California with two cherries and a mint?"

"Coming right up. And you sir?"

"(Spoken slowly with beard in mouth) I will have the Rutherford B. Hayes smoked pork loin with the tomato aspic and the Prussian mayonnaise salad, easy on the giblets, and to drink... a Nipper with a twist of green fruit."

Such is the daffy world of the Colonnade, where bow ties are still in style and gooseberries are always in season

The bar at the Colonnade (those are not real books.)

INDEPENDENT AND RURAL CHAIN MARKETS OF THE SOUTH

2011-04-03T12:09:00.000-07:00

In decrepit little Southern towns, where one is lucky to find a Piggly Wiggly, independent markets and somewhat obscure or small chains have taken up the slack, selling food where no one else will set up business. This is a photographic tribute to these markets and their canned spaghetti.

Triangle Foods (Rockmart, GA)

No doubt, you want triangle shaped eggs and triangular cuts of Boston pork butt. If so, this would be the market for you, Mr. Trigonametrist.

Winn Dixie (Mobile, AL)

For the love of Dixie, please buy your pork rinds here.

Webb's (Locust Grove, GA)

Meats, produce, old toothpaste

Wayfield (Lithonia, GA)

Wayfield makes me wanna cry.

Food Lion (Cartersville, GA)

When the food lion roars, a whole universe of food shakes in its boots.

Lucky's (Menlo, GA)

Absolutely no loitering on this parking lot, ya dirty English swine.

Lord's Galaxy Food Center (Union Point, GA)

The Lord does smileth down upon the Galaxy Food Center for it doth accept EBT.

Go Grocery Outlet (Marion, NC)

Go and shop somewhere else, if you don't want vegetables that smell like 7-up.

Foodworld (Mobile, AL)

A world of frozen peas.

Food Tiger (Mobile, AL)

Is its roar as loud as that of the Food Lion?

Food Giant (Scottsboro, AL)

Dinosaur-sized carrots and 8-foot-tall bags of chips

Quality Foods (Monroe, GA)

One of the few markets pictured here making any sort of case for quality, at least in their name, over savings.

Food Lion (Jefferson N.C.)

The Food Lion sign is almost always red. I found this aqua blue version of the Food Lion sign to be irrepressibly sexy.

S&H Super Market (Adairsville, GA)

Even the frozen foods are crying out for help at S&H Super Market.

Bottom Dollar Food (Mt. Airy, GA)

A lot of markets sell themselves solely on their cheapness.

J&J Foods (Gainesville, GA)

The best choice for canned vegietables anywhere!

Shop Rite (Jasper, TN)

Shop wrong.

Supreme Foods Market (Haysville, NC)

Perhaps the foods weren't supreme.

CRAIGSLIST AD FOR KKK MEMORABILIA

2011-03-28T18:27:00.000-07:00

KKK PAPER SEAL (NORTHEAST GA)

I'AM STARTING OFF BY SAYING THAT I HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THE KKK ORGANIZATION. THIS IS APART OF AMERICAN HISTORY WEATHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT ! WHO EVERY BUYS THIS CAN DO WHAT EVERY THEY WANT WITH IT WEATHER IT GOSE TO A MUSEUM, PRIVATE COLLECTOR , OR BACK TO KKK ORGANIZATION

This ad rambles on..., but in a less funny manner. Seems sellers of KKK memorabilia are not great spellers.

BREAKFAST AND LUNCH IN ATLANTA FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A VEGETARIAN JEW

2011-03-27T11:16:00.001-07:00

The pimento cheese sandwich and fried green tomatoes at Home Grown

Breakfast is held in high regard in Atlanta, drawing large groups of ravenous church ladies and bearded, tattooed, pork-chop-sideburned dudes who gather on weekends chomping on biscuits, country ham and all matter of animal fat. It may be an afterthought in other cities and countries, but Atlantans eat massive breakfasts and there are a bunch of places that serve exceptional breakfast/lunch fare, generally until about 3 pm. (Most of these places are closed in the evening.)

In this article, I will be taking a look at Atlanta's breakfast/lunch scene from the perspective of a vegetarian Jew from the Westside of L.A., where, by the way, people don't give a crap about breakfast and many consider coffee and a bran muffin to be a sufficient meal. Surprisingly, all of the restaurants in Atlanta that I mention here have plenty of vegetarian options and their menus veer off from your usual diner fare.

Living in Grant Park, I am fortunate to have two excellent breakfast/lunch spots within walking distance of my house. Both are a good stroll, though. More so than any of the other places, Ria's Bluebird (421 Memorial Dr. 30312) has a menu that caters to both vegetarians and vegans. I'd like to tell you all about that menu, but I almost always order the Tempeh Reuben, which comes on marbled rye bread and is one of the grooviest vegetarian reubens I have ever consumed. I have often pondered the BBQ Veggie Riblet sandwich, but have never ordered it. I have sampled several breakfast items, which are fine, especially the Huevos, fried eggs on top of blue corn tortillas with tomatillo salsa, cheese and black beans and that was excellent, as is Ria's coffee. The vegetarian sausages are the same in almost every breakfast spot in Atlanta (Trader Joes? Not sure.) This little place is super hipster right down to the waiter's nerdy-cool eyeglasses.

The tempeh reuben at Ria's

Not any less hipster is The Stone Soup Kitchen (584 Woodward Ave. 30312), also in my hood, which has a menu that is in no way traditionally Southern. I have not tried the soup, but the breakfasty Mexican gringo dishes are recommendable. On my first visit, I adventurously ordered the SSK Burrito, a breakfast burrito with two scrambled eggs, black beans and pepper jack cheese topped with pineapple, mango salsa and spicy red sauce. This could have been a real miss, but it was a hit. The pimento cheese sandwich is very good, not grilled, and the cheese grits are super creamy and taste not the slightest bit healthy. The Stone Soup Kitchen also has a fine selection of soda and coffee.

For a while, my favorite breakfast/lunch place in town was The West Egg Cafe (110 Howell Mill Rd. 30318), whose roasted garlic grits are the best I have ever had. They still are the best grits around, but the place is not quite the same. The original space had a funky, laid-back, old school San Francisco coffeehouse type ambience, but they have since moved down the block to a less cozy space, which has the same generic look as every other restaurant in town. The upside is that they are now open until 10 pm and serve breakfast all day. Their basic breakfast, the blue plate special, is less than thrilling, highlighted only by the grits. I can cook better eggs. Much better is their fantastic Fried Egg sandwich, which is two eggs over hard, cheddar cheese, field greens, onion and tomato jam on toasted challah. (This isn't the Jew challah bread they used to serve at my Jew temple in the '80s, but something far more groovy.) It's particularly the sweetness of the tomato jam that makes this sandwich into some sort of gourmet, postmodern, nouveau Southern cuisine butt-kicker. The West Egg is also known for its fabulous cupcakes.

The place we used to go to all the time before we discovered all the better places in town is the Silver Skillet (200 14th St. 30318), which has the vintage look of a classic diner that you find more commonly on the East Coast. Opened in 1956, the Silver Skillet is by far the most attractive diner in Atlanta with its sexy wood booths and olive green upholstery. The breakfast here is fine. I haven't cared for any of the lunch items. This is definitely a breakfast spot to be more appreciated by meat eaters, though it's probably one of the better places in town for a slice of pie. They serve Lemon Icebox Pie, which my wife is crazy for, Chocolate Meringue Pie and Blackberry Cobbler.

One place that is no secret is the Highland Bakery (655 Highland Ave. #10 30312), which is always crowded, though I have never waited more than five minutes for a table. Almost everything I've had at the Highland Bakery has been top-notch, from the sweet potato pancakes with pecans to the cowboy benedict with seasoned black beans, tortillas, poached eggs, hollandaise sauce and corn salsa, to the small assortment of mini muffins (blueberry, chocolate chip, etc.) to the French toast, fluffy fat chunks of bread with myriad toppings, to the pimento cheese sandwich on sourdough, which is grilled and one of the best in town. Even the scrambled eggs are just fantastic, though I'm not really sure what makes them so special. The high-ceilinged space is always noisy, but comforting at the same time. This might be the most popular breakfast/lunch spot in Atlanta.

Kid's French toast at the Highland Bakery

The pimento cheese sandwich at the Highland Bakery

However, the city's whole breakfast/lunch scene was knocked on its tail by the recent arrival of the incredibly fabulous, ridiculously cheap and even more hipster Home Grown (968 Memorial Dr. 30316). The main room is old, wood-paneled and has some character. There is some fine hipster art on the walls and a gallery in the back. The waiters are the usual hipsterini. I don't know why hipsters have been drawn to the breakfast/lunch scene in Atlanta like it was a free record store appearance by the Kings of Leon, but they have. The guy serving you your eggs likely has some dumb tattoos, a lip piercing and an ironic take on '90s gangsta rap. Home Grown is similar to Ria's, but the food is just a tad more scrumptious than all the other spots I've mentioned. The pimento cheese sandwich here comes grilled on Texas Toast and is a big drippy mess, but a glorious one that transcends the original basic pimento cheese concept, which is something a Southern mom would fix for a kid's lunch. The fried green tomatoes, which come with horseradish sauce, are plump slices of tomatoes, delicately breaded and just perfect, the best I've ever had. There is a vegan sloppy joe, which I have wondered about, but never tried. The cheese grits are excellent, as is the jalapeno cole slaw, which is a bit of a different take on cole slaw with large chunks of cabbage and just the occasional bite of jalapeno. The menu is small and to the point. I keep expecting it to expand like the crowds at Home Grown, but it hasn't yet.

Breakfast biscuit at Home Grown

Home Grown hipster art

breakfast at Home Grown

So, no real reason to go to the Waffle House, which has decent food, is open later than other places, but has way too much yellow in its design, or IHOP, which is cheap and basically edible, but hardly inspired, when there are numerous fantabulous places to gorge yourself on carbohydrates and hipster-cooked tofu scrambles.

THE OLD SOUTH II

2010-11-20T08:40:00.000-08:00

Rare small town theater still showing movies in Burnside, NC

house in Adairsville, GA

old gas station near Burnside, NC

Horton's Drugs, Athens, GA

Barn near Blue Ridge Parkway, NC

Outdoor Baptist church in Union Point, GA

Po Biddy Crossroads, GA

Bank in Flowery Branch, GA

Old elevator and mail shoot in the Grove, Asheville, NC

Drive-In Diner in Marion, NC

near Juliette, GA

Lunch counter in Asheville, NC

Andy's Heating and Cooling in Asheville, NC

GOOD OL' BOYS

2010-10-31T21:56:00.000-07:00

Even more depressing than voting in California, which has had plenty of right wing kooks in power such as Pete Wilson or debased professional politicians like Gray Davis, is voting in Georgia, where it's too often a choice between one good ol' boy or another. While I still find it hard to believe that Arnold Schwarzenegger is governor of California (if Danny DeVito had been elected governor that would have been less weird and embarrassing), in Georgia governors and senators are these big, chunky, pink-cheeked manimals, often with wide ties and occasionally a flappy gray moustache. "Why would I vote for that guy?" I ask myself. "How is it possible that that walrus and I would see eye to eye on anything?"

Our current governor is Sonny Perdue, the ass-backwards mofo I just described. This year the election for governor pits Nathan Deal, the guy I described above, and Roy Barnes, a former governor and also the guy I described above (he looks like the Pappy O'Daniel character in O Brother, Where Art Thou?). In 2006, running against Sonny Perdue was Mark Taylor, that same paunchy fart bag I described above. One of Georgia's Senators is Saxby Chambliss, same fucker as I mentioned, just a crazier name. This year, the other Senator, Johnny Isakson, is cruising to reelection. He's not as beefy as some of the other guys, but he's the exact same guy. You may wonder are these politicians Democrats or Republicans? The ones who win are Republicans, but it hardly matters as the Republicans skew toward the hard right, while the Democrats are spongy Republicans. The only other choice on the ballot is the Libertarian Party, who are trying to eliminate the income tax in favor of Wall Street controlling the country (a very timely idea).

More locally, Atlanta has plenty of black people running for and holding public office, quite a few women and there's even a stray gay or lesbian who makes it as a State Representative from Atlanta. Of course, some are fine, while others are not that great like normal politicians. I'm glad that I can occasionally vote for someone that I don't despise and someone who doesn't remind me of bacon.

But otherwise voting in Georgia harkens back to the state's inglorious past. The recent Voter ID law helps to exclude anyone who might not have a driver's license or other suitable State ID with them, such as a teenager voting for the first time, a blind person, a religious sect or some other unlucky non-ID-holding person who might not vote Republican.

For elections in California, registered voters receive a sample ballot and a thick booklet from the State with information on every candidate and initiative. In Georgia, registered voters receive nothing in the mail from the State. This also seems to me to be an example of Georgia discouraging voting among the poor or minorities who might not have easy Internet access, though I don't know how it works in most states. I do know that states in the South such as Georgia have a long history of discouraging or banning minorities from voting and it would be nice if they genuinely tried to turn things around and actually encouraged people to vote. Though, that appears unlikely if the state is run by a squad of good ol' boys, who spill Coors beer on their dress shirts and smell like roasted hams.

WHAT'S WHAT

2010-10-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

This is a compendium of overheard conspiracy theories and random nonsense distilled into one long rant from a guy wearing a baseball cap with a beard talking to some lady who rarely interjects a word in a wholesome family restaurant in Georgia.

"When the African bees first arrived, they were dangerous. But now they're lethal and control large parts of Northern Oklahoma. The government, or should I say Obama, trained them to kill under order of the CIA. It was written about in the Muslim Bible. Of course, you know that Obama is secretly a Muslim and wasn't even born in America. It's been provin'. He may not have been directly responsible for 9-11, but the Jews, Israel in particular, and Muslims got together with their security forces and executed this crazy plan to scare the bejesus out of America, so we can't fly on planes no more with firearms. The Jews own the banks and the Muslims own the oil. They are all in cahoots with the Democrats and Obama, who've made government bigger than ever with his healthcare reforms. Do you know that taxes next year are gonna be bigger than they ever was in Communist Russia or under Clinton? We are all going to be paying taxes out of our eyeballs and all the money will go to the banks, who will funnel it to the Muslims, who will perpetrate another 9-11 that's ten times larger and nastier than the last one. That's why I got involved in the Tea Party. They know what's what."

PIZZA IN ATLANTA

2010-10-22T09:45:00.001-07:00

The Verdura at Antico

When I first moved to Atlanta a few years ago, the pizza scene was already formidable, with several Italian chefs opening semi-fancy establishments focusing on serious, thoughtful pizza. But in the last few years, pizza flipping in Atlanta has gotten competitive, with one owner insulting another and a new pizzeria of note to check out every few months. Now, I'd say unequivocally Atlanta has the most scrumptious and nuanced pizza I have ever eaten, better than the pizza I've encountered in Italy or anywhere else.

Before venturing into my description of each place, I will let you know my credentials and taste. I have eaten more than my fair share of pizza, at least several hundred times in Italy in most regions of the country. Contrary to the general consensus among pizzaphiles, some of the least convincing pizza I've ever had was in Naples or in Neapolitan-owned pizzerias in Italy. That signature overly chewy crust with small dollops of mozzarella doesn't do it for me. More often, pizza in Northern and Central Italy has an excessively thin crust and in my opinion, not much flavor. In Italy, I usually prefer Pizza al taglio (pizza to go by the slice), which is usually square shaped with a thicker crust and is sometimes more inspired, for whatever reason, than the pizza you'll find in a pizzeria.

My taste generally hones closer to an American concept of pizza, where the cheese, sauce and toppings are as important as the crust. Pizza should be cheesy. Los Angeles possesses one of the greatest pizzerias in Casa Bianca Pizza Pie in Eagle Rock, a checkered table cloth, old school Italian-American, family-style pizzeria, where you can wait an hour or more to land a table. Their pizza is perhaps my favorite with its oddly-cut slices, charred crust and tomato sauce intensive flavor. They do an excellent whole wheat crust. I also love Zelo, which serves a very unique, deep dish pizza made with a corn crust, in the far out L.A. suburb of Arcadia. The New York style chain Lamonica's serves fine, slightly greasy pizza that I have been eating since I was a pimpled teenager in L.A. On the one occasion that I went to Pizzeria Mozza, a fairly new, well-hyped Los Angeles restaurant serving kind of original, but not very satisfying pizza to an industry crowd, I thought their wild mushroom pizza relied almost entirely on its heavy mushroom flavor and was really a mess. I think most would agree that L.A. is not one of the most stellar cities for pizza. There are quite a few very good New York style spots in L.A., but just a handful of pizzerias that make one want to tap dance. I am not a connoisseur of New York, Chicago or New Haven pizza, thought that is something I hope to be someday. I should also mention I am a vegetarian, so pepperoni, prosciutto and Canadian bacon do not figure into my resume.

The grooviest pizza in Atlanta is no secret. Antico Pizza Napoletana (1093 Hemphill Ave. Atlanta 30318) has been written about in high-falutin publications. It is a fairly small space and on each of the three evenings I've been there it was uncomfortably crammed with people. The set up is you order first at the counter and then if you are eating there, you may receive your pizza in the large kitchen, where most of the tables are located. The pizzaioli there like to blast loud Euro dance music, opera or corny Italian-American standards. A few of the tables are actually tall cooking tables, which they seem to slowly be in the process of replacing. You sit on stools and all the tables are communal. Napkins are rolls of coarse brown paper that you might find in a high school bathroom and the pizza is messy. You will go through that coarse roll. It is one of the most uncomfortable places I have ever eaten in, but well worth it. At Antico, the crust really is something special, a delicious chewy thing, charred black in parts, much like a real Neapolitan pizza, but better than any I have ever had. Twice we have had the Pomodorini pizza, which comes with cherry Vesuvian tomatoes (the best cherry tomatoes I've ever eaten), plentiful garlic, bufala mozzarella and basil. The toppings are somewhat drippy, but everything coalesces perfectly. Three pieces in the first time and I was ready to declare it one of the best pizzas I've ever had. We've also ordered the Verdura, which comes with broccoli rabe, mushrooms, pomodorini and garlic. The broccoli rabe is a perfect topping, which I have never had on a pizza before, and the Verdura pizza is as good if not better than the Pomodorini. It has generally been recommended to eat the Antico's pizza on the spot or soon after leaving, as it apparently doesn't travel well. But despite its success, Antico seems like a place that will never be comfortable to eat in. If they haven't replaced the napkins yet, are they ever going to? I've heard it's more relaxed at times during the day.

Before Antico came along, Fritti (N. Highland Ave. NE Atlanta 30307) ruled the Atlanta pizza scene. It's a restaurant that is really the opposite of Antico. Fritti is an expensive, white tablecloth, somewhat frou-frou restaurant with a nifty wine list and attentive waiters. The menu includes several excellent salads and fried, fairly authentic Italian appetizers (from which the name of the restaurant, Fritti, is derived). The pizza menu is lengthy and experimental. My favorite is the Pizza Robiola e Pesto, a sauce-less white pizza with sweet Robiola goat cheese (normally never used but perfect for pizza), glops of arugula pesto and sundried tomatoes. This is not a pizza you would ever find in Italy, though the chef/owner, Riccardo Ullio, is an authentic Italian. I'm also crazy about the Pizza Funghi di Bosco, which comes with a generous amount of Crimini and Portobello mushrooms and a dash of truffle oil.

Robiola e Pesto at Fritti

The Sorrentina at Fritti

The owner of Varsano's (2171 Peachtree Rd. NE Atlanta 30309), Jeffrey Varsano, opened his restaurant in Buckhead after slamming Fritti on his Web site, calling their pizza "pathetic tasteless cardboard." Varsano's is clearly not on the level of Fritti and not in the same universe as Antico, but it is another excellent, serious pizzeria. The knockout for me at Varsano's is the Carmelized Onion Pizza, which comes with sweet onions and sharp Emmenthaler cheese, a white pizza with a strong sweet flavor that is entirely original. We also ordered Nana's House Special, mozzarella with tomato sauce and a secret blend of herbs, which was very good, though straightforward. However, the restaurant lacks any ambiance and the typical Italian-American mix of music (Sinatra, "Volare," "That's Amore") was grating on the ears.

For a while, Baraonda Caffè Italiano (710 Peachtree St. NE Atlanta 30308) was my second or third favorite pizzeria in Atlanta. It has a great location down the street from the Fox Theatre. It's loud and a bit clubby with an extensive Italian menu (unlike Antico, Fritti and Varsano's, Baraonda serves pasta), as well as a cocktail menu. But after eating at all the other places I've mentioned, Baraonda dropped several notches on my list. They serve genuine, Italian thin crust pizza, but the last time we were there I thought they overdid it with the olive oil, kind of an obvious no-no. Antico has really turned the whole idea of pizza on its head. Everything else tastes slightly less good now.

To me, pizza shouldn't necessarily come with silverware or wine. Atlanta is home to some truly incredible grubby pizza places too. The best of them is Rosa's Pizza (62 Broad St. NW Atlanta 30303) downtown, which serves up the best New York style slices I've ever had. Mind you that I haven't really explored New York style pizza in New York, though like many Americans I've had hundreds of New York style slices everywhere and Rosa's blows them all away. If you arrive around lunchtime (they are open until 6 pm), don't be intimidated by the long line in a tiny confined, hallway-like space. That line moves rapidly as you yell your order to the guy who puts on the toppings. One of those guys is a somewhat charismatic fellow who replied "yeccch" one time when I ordered feta cheese as a topping. He was right. It didn't melt properly and really has no place on a New York style slice. The special is two slices with a topping and a drink for $6. Not bad. The pizza doesn't look like much before it goes in the oven, but it comes out seared and delicious. My garlic pizza was really heavy on the garlic. On one occasion, it looked like eight cloves had been heaped onto my two slices and the garlic was so overwhelmingly strong that I don't think most people would have been able to eat it. Still, it was good. Rosa's doesn't use much cheese or grease. It's just delicious, flavorful, crunchy perfection.

Rosa's on Broad St.

Another lauded New York style place is Pizza Fortunato (5350 United Dr SE Smyrna, 30082), which is in a minimall in an out-of-the-way corner of the not very convenient suburb of Smyrna. We went there because the local weekly, Creative Loafing, declared it the best pizza of 2009. The slices are huge and inundated with a very yummy red sauce. I was really impressed the first time we went there, but less so on our second trip. The dollops of bufala mozzarella were definitely not generous. However, the caprese and fried ravioli appetizer were excellent. If you unfortunately live in Smyrna (or Smyrna Queerna as I immaturely call it), this would be the place to go.

Pizza Fortunato (Oops. Ate two slices before taking the photo)

You can find very similar pizza intown at Pizzeria Vesuvius (327 Edgewood Ave. Atlanta 30312). This place is not far from my house, but I would pass on going there again as the wait for the food to arrive the night we went there was never-ending. There were maybe 12 other people, most of them at the bar. Yet, it took a half hour for our bread sticks to arrive and an hour for the pizza. I can't imagine how they would handle a crowd. This was still above average tasty pizza, though with maybe too much crust. I would consider a delivery if I wasn't in a hurry.

Camelli’s Gourmet Pizza Joint (699 Ponce de Leon Atlanta 30308) won't deliver to my house, even though I'm about 20 minutes away, because I'm just off their delivery map. Their loss and mine because it's again above average pizza and ridiculously dirt cheap. Two small, but good-sized pizzas with multiple toppings are $15.

I guess I should mention at least one crappy place too, though in my research they were few and far between. Savage Pizza (superhero themed) in Little Five Points is pretty disgusting, overly greasy and left me feeling awful afterward.

Nancy's Chicago Deep Dish Pizza

Of all the varied pizza choices in Atlanta, the pizza that I've most often eaten here is from the Chicago chain, Nancy's Pizza, which has a small eat-in spot in Buckhead (3167 Peachtree Rd. Atlanta) and delivers to my house from Midtown, (265 Ponce de Leon Atlanta). Nancy's makes Chicago-style stuffed pizza with layers of thick cheese and tomato sauce. The crust is subtle with a little crunch, just perfect. We always order it without toppings as it doesn't need anything extra. Nancy’s thin crust pizza, which is like kiddie pizza, is also exceptional. Both pizzas go particularly well with Nancy's yummy sweet tea, which you can buy by the liter for $3.

Atlanta's pizza renaissance is something to experience, making the city a worthy destination for pizza alone.

KING OF POPS

2010-10-03T20:42:00.000-07:00

I have never had any passionate feelings in regard to popsicles. But over the summer, in Los Angeles, at the first swap meet that they held in the Dodger Stadium parking lot on a uncomfortably hot day, I sampled a lime mojito flavored popsicle from an overrun vendor that was the only thing enjoyable about the swap meet. Then the other night at Flux, a yearly art event in the Castleberry Hill area of Atlanta, there was a couple of tall fellows selling sexy-flavored popsicles (chocolate with sea salt, Arnold Palmer, plum pomegranate) on the street. I bought a raspberry lime one that was exceptionally thrilling beyond all expectations. The next day one of the guys (brothers I've since read) had his King of Pops cart at the intersection of North Highland and North (where you can often find him) and everyone we could see in all directions was savoring a popsicle. There was one lady sitting with her dog who was the only person around without a popsicle. But her husband quickly showed up baring popsicles and then only the dog was without. Atlanta has a slowly emerging street food scene. There is a Korean taco truck, inspired by the Kogi trucks in L.A., which I have not yet checked out. I used to yelp "Hooray!" when I saw a taco truck on Buford Highway, but have since noticed that it is always parked in the same place and may or may not be mobile. I used to eat everyday from a taco truck at school in ninth grade. It was parked on school property. Later, I was enthralled with the large variety of street food in Bangkok. The food truck scene may have gotten a bit out of hand in Los Angeles (an $11 sandwich isn't my idea of street food), but the idea of quick fresh food, especially tacos and burritos, the sort of stuff I grew up eating, is so very appealing in the leisurely-paced culinary landscape of Atlanta.

Kingofpops.net

NOT THE WORST STATE

2010-09-05T17:21:00.000-07:00

rural Georgia

Driving around in circles in the extreme nothingness of rural Georgia, one might contemplate that Georgia isn't the most thrilling state to live in or travel to. There is really a paucity of mountains, which by Western standards look more like hills, a minute shoreline that is usurped by Florida and South Carolina and outside of Atlanta, few legitimate destinations that one might drive two or three hours to in an eager fashion. Though, the U.S., in its vastness, really has no shortage of states with much less to offer. I've been to 47 of the 50 states and spent at least a day or a night in each, so I feel I can be excessively opinionated in which states are the worst to travel to or consider living in and which are the best. After wasting a decent amount of time rating them, I realize, in my mind at least, Georgia is actually near the end of the top third, closer to being one of the best, than the worst.

Beginning with the crummiest states to travel to or live in, Michigan and its post-apocalyptic, left-for-dead state of existence, has to be among the worst. Detroit and Flint are usually at the top of any list of the most unlivable cities in the U.S. Then, the whole Midwest is reliably dreary: Iowa, Nebraska, Indiana, states where a roadside attraction like a giant cow sculpture seems to be the only diversion worth veering off the interstate for. I have not spent much time in Illinois, but I suspect it is likely only saved by Chicago from being near the bottom of the list. Chicago is pretty Midwestern too, but, being a fairly giant city with some fantastic architecture and pizza, vaults Illinois to being several spots below Georgia in my mind. Texas has always seemed to me to be an impossibly rotten state, despite overrated Austin, and Oklahoma, even worse in every respect, is overly Christian and sad. North Dakota is just a pile of rocks at the top of the country, not worth spending much time in unless like me you are attempting to visit all 50 states. Also, very low on my list would be Minnesota. I'm not sure what I expected of Minneapolis. I was thinking Prince, but nothing was purple, or the Replacements, and immediately understood why they used to get so overly shitfaced. St. Paul seemed to be worthy of a couple of hours at most. Also, I really don't care for Garrison Keillor; his blabbiness and Midwestern wholesomeness typifies Minnesota.

bored wild horse in North Dakota

Among Southern states, Georgia, by virtue of Atlanta, the swell college town of Athens and somewhat overrated, but still pretty striking Savannah, rates pretty high in my book. Georgia easily has more to offer than say Kentucky or Arkansas. As much as I love Alabama for its strangeness and decrepitude, no one in their right mind would want to live there. I have not explored Mississippi much. But like Louisiana, it's a state with a substantial musical and cultural legacy and extreme poverty. Both Louisiana and Mississippi are uniquely odd. The two Southern states that are to me more attractive and compelling than Georgia are Tennessee and North Carolina. North Carolina has the Blue Ridge Parkway and the misty mountain town of Asheville, while sharing the kitschdom of the Great Smoky Mountains on its western border with Tennessee. Tennessee's most swell city is Nashville, often near the top of most livable city lists, which despite a lot of awful music emanating from there, is one of the country's more attractive medium-sized cities. The difference between Georgia and Tennessee is dramatic when you cross the border near Chattanooga. From the stubby, pine-covered hills of North Georgia, you are transported into a land of deep lakes and log cabins surrounded by Appalachian splendor. It's nearly as dramatic crossing into North Carolina from Georgia.

Among the best states for traveling to or living, Hawaii has to rank near the top, as it's as close to an idyllic paradise as almost anywhere on the planet. California has more to offer the traveler or resident than most of the countries in Europe. Arizona has one of the most spectacular landscapes in the world, along with well-preserved cowboy and mining towns. Aside from the U.S's preeminent city, New York state, where I lived for a few months, has vast wildlife-filled forests, charming towns that are less icky and self-conscious as those in neighboring New England, the huge and dramatic Hudson River, which rivals the Mississippi, and lots of history of the not all boring sort. Florida ranks above most states because of its lengthy coastline, exceptional climate and vast amounts of kitsch, even if it's overly touristy to the point of yuckiness in many places. Also, way better than average, Pennsylvania has vast forests, underrated Pittsburgh and no shortage of historical mumbo jumbo, Washington has laid-back college towns, a dramatic coastline and a very livable city in Seattle and Massachusetts has Boston, one of the more attractive large American cities, though the Western and Central parts of Massachusetts are a bore.

upstate New York

Now I've obviously spent more time thinking about this than it deserves, but I realize that Georgia, despite that so much of it is just trees, trees, trees, shack, Applebees, more trees, falling down shack, is actually a few spots above say, Maryland. Baltimore is a fantastic, antiquated city like Boston, but the rest of Maryland is guys fishing, crabs and not much else. Vermont is a very attractive family vacation type of state with yummy maple candy and probably not a bad place to live, but the main town, Burlington, is a place where college kids play Hacky Sack and wander around in backpacks eating greasy pizza. There are a lot of bookstores in Vermont, but that's hardly a reason to get very excited about it. Georgia beats out both Maryland and Vermont by a few hairs and also overly hippie Oregon by a decent margin. Yay Georgia! You're not so bad. Be proud of yourself despite your disheveled look and amiable, but kinda dumb smile! You're way more fun and sexy than Missouri and, compared to Connecticut, you're like Berlin during the Weimar Republic.

TRAMPOLINES

2010-05-11T06:50:00.001-07:00

Trampoline in Gay, GA

While they may seem like an amusement from earlier times when child safety was a futuristic concept, trampolines remain quite popular in the South. All over rural Georgia, you’ll find them in front yards usually with no net for protection. According to some study I found online, there were 91,870 hospital emergency room treated injuries associated with trampolines in 2001, 30% of them were fractures. I guess trampolines are fun to some degree, but a bit outdated like the playgrounds of my youth that featured large metal rockets enticing children to climb them and fall hard on them.

My wooden boy is gonna enjoy his trampoline and them rocks won't hurt him none 'cause he made of wood

Serene, rural trampoline in Rockmart

Protectin' the kids in Asheville, NC

Partially protectin' the kids if they bounce in the right direction. However, if they hit the tree...

trampoline near Blue Ridge Parkway, NC

Let's put it near the highway and next to that tree. After all, we have so many dang kids.

mini-trampoline in Grant Park

Blue is a common color for trampolines. This must be the Wal-Mart brand.

Actual children playing on a trampoline on Jonesboro Rd. in Atlanta

Child in mid-air on trampoline. Of the hundreds of trampolines I've spotted all over, I have only twice witnessed children playing on them.

SOUTHLAND JUBILEE

2010-04-17T22:22:00.000-07:00

It was a near perfect Spring day (pre cockroach weather, post pollen season) when we happened into the nowheresville town of Greensboro, Georgia. This is a nice little junction about half way to Augusta from Atlanta, with a fair amount of historical mishmash. The Southland Jubilee was going on, which is basically a town fair that seemed better planned and more fun than the usual crafts and lemonade type town fair, though there were crafts and lemonade, along with agricultural exhibits and farm animals and state fair sort of attractions. Of course, there was funnel cake and many other fried things. The car show was unexpectedly impressive: none of the rockabilly girls with bangs and Latino slicksters one finds at an L.A. car show, these were almost exclusively old couples sitting in lawn chairs with some real nice shiny automobiles, an Edsel, a Lotus, a Pontiac GTO, some old car with a rumble seat, maybe 70 cars in all, a large car show for a small town. Greensboro's attractions were all open, the little history museum and the Old Greene County Gaol jail, where the jail cells were pretty roomy and the hangman's noose was one of the few decorations. Generally, the historical signs you find in all corners of America are written in the most perfunctory manner, but Greensboro's were entertaining, reminding you that some things had once happened in this far-flung neck of the woods. The actor John Lithgow was going to be doing some theater in town and how that came about I have no idea. We had fried green tomato sandwiches and fried pickles at the Yesterday Cafe, a very nice historical restaurant and one of the few places to eat in Greensboro.

"I hate you all!"

This happens to be the weekend of two of Atlanta's major street festivals, the Atlanta Dogwood Festival and the Sweetwater 420 Festival. While enjoying myself in Greensboro, I began reflecting on all the awful street festivals I've been to in Atlanta in the few short years I've been here. Were they all awful, you might inquire? Yes. They all were various shades of lame. One of the weeklies, the Sunday Paper, recently printed a best local festival list. Here are the worst local street festivals that I have been to.

1. The Grant Park Summer Shade Festival
I went to this two years ago on a ridiculously hot summer day. It was basically beer, crafts, crummy local bands and overpriced falafels. I think Magnapop plays this every year and I've driven by twice while they were playing and noticed they attracted 50 or more spectators. Not bad. Though, I didn't stop.

2. Sweetwater 420 Festival
Really thought this was awful. Crummy local bands and beer, a lot of beer. I guess maybe if I knew somebody in Atlanta, it seemed very social in a beer sort of way.

3. Inman Park Festival
This one gets crowded. A lot of crafts. I remember catching the most godawful elderly rock band there. Perhaps the home tour is interesting.

4.The Atlanta Arts Festival
This was just crafts up the ass. Is that art?

5. Decatur Book Festival
I guess most book festivals are catered to little old ladies and their mystery books and little romantic novels. Yawn.

Selling both freedom fries and Communist vegetarian bbq

Old funeral home in Greensboro

TAXES

2010-03-24T20:27:00.000-07:00

As generally unrewarding as paying taxes is, one can also have an unpleasant experience having your taxes prepared. Around Georgia, there is an epic amount of businesses that will prepare your taxes in the most hopeless of settings. Here are some possibilities:

Fast maybe, but

Liberty Tax Service hires folks to dress up as the statue of liberty and hustle customers in passing cars. Does the patriotic aspect of paying taxes give you a tingly feeling?

Mo' Money Taxes is a big chain. Check out their Web site. It's tight. http://www.momoneytaxes.com/index2.html

Excuse me, but you misspell my name on tax form, it is spelled Heiu.

This is down the street from my house. It doesn't look like they are going to replace the X.

This tax place on Memorial Dr. has a car wash right in front. Do these folks wonder why I'm taking a picture of them? Yes, they do.

Do I have to go in that house to meet Mr. Tax?

I can get a refund at 4 in the morning?

Tax offices in Alabama are just as miserable

I think this one is 4 Sale.

I will have some Daisy Go Rounds and Thin Mints, oh and little girl, will you handle my taxes for me? Thank you.

100 THINGS I MISS ABOUT L.A.

2010-03-07T17:50:00.000-08:00

Though I'm quite happy to be living in Atlanta for the time being and would have mixed feelings about moving back to L.A. were it to happen before I felt I had thoroughly explored the South, there are times when I long for places and things that are closer to my heart. Other than family and friends, these are some of the things I find myself sentimentalizing over during the swampy days of August and the rainy, wintry days of February.

1. Casa Bianca Pizza Pie

2. The Downtown L.A. Art Walk

3. The sea breeze (I long for your gentle caresses)

4. Reading the L.A. Times in print (even though the paper is slowly going in the toilet)

5. Warm sun year-round (I took you for granted all those years)

6. The best burritos to be found anywhere (I get more specific below)

7. Culver City

8. Bumping into people I know

9. Psychedelic sunsets

10. Taco trucks

11. Santa Monica Mountains

12. Boba drinks everywhere (Boba Time is my favorite chain)

13. Valley Boulevard (my favorite street in L.A. to wander around from Garfield Ave. in Alhambra heading east)

14. LACMA

15. American Cinematheque and especially the Film Noir Festival in April

16. Pink's Hot Dogs

17. Vegan restaurants everywhere

18. Langer's Deli

19. The Tomorrow Show at the Steve Allen Theatre (though it's not quite the same without Brendon Small and Craig Anton)

20. The Bradbury Building (my favorite piece of architecture in L.A.)

21. Union Station (with the sun pouring in the giant windows)

22. Warm summer evenings without the jungle-like humidity of Atlanta

23. Farmers Market

24. Griffith Observatory (this has really improved, but the parking situation is not so good)

25. UCLA Thrift Store

26. The drive up the 110 (Arroyo Seco Parkway) to Pasadena

27. The PCH to Malibu

28. Extreme multiculturalism (like Mexican families shopping in Thai markets, etc.)

29. The Brand Library

30. Orean The Health Express in Pasadena

31. Koreatown

32. Korean tacos (can't find those anywhere else I don't think)

Update: Actually, I found out there is a Korean Taqueria in Atlanta. Will head there soon.

33. Biltmore Hotel

34. San Vicente Blvd. to the ocean by car or bicycle

35. Sunset Blvd. from the 405 to the PCH (that would be my favorite segment, the Beverly Hills part is nice too, though the Hollywood section doesn't do anything for me except make me worry about parking)

36. Stan's Doughnuts in Westwood (the chocolate chip doughnut, the blueberry buttermilk doughnut)

37. Bob's Big Boy in Burbank

38. Daytrips to Ventura

39. Pico Blvd. (Next to Valley Blvd. and Sunset, Pico would rank third among my favorite streets and I love the whole thing from Downtown to the beach)

40. Papa Christos (a nice stop on Pico, near where Jabberjaw used to be)

41. Campos Famous Burritos (the avocado burrito at any location)

42. Puebla Tacos in Pasadena

43. The Salvation Army in Pasadena

44. The drive along the 134 through Eagle Rock (near sunset is a good time)

43. The connector to the 110 from Hollywood to Downtown going South

44. The San Gabriel Mountains (there are no real mountains on the East Coast or in the South)

45. The Old Bank District Downtown (I wish that I lived there when I was 23 or so, except that it was messed up then)

46. The Geffen Contemporary at MOCA (generally better exhibits than at the other MOCA location for whatever reason)

47. Los Feliz Blvd. as you cross the L.A. River toward Atwater Village

48. South Pasadena

49. Watching Clippers games (you really have to be an Angeleno to care at all about the Clippers and it is a love/hate relationship for all fans).

50. Griffith Park

51. HMS Bounty on Wilshire (old bars with tons of atmosphere are not something you find in Atlanta)

52. El Cholo (guacamole prepared table side, sitting in the special booth where you get a free plate of nachos)

53. Foggy Westside evenings

54. Main St. in Alhambra (and the Mallternative gang of teenagers that hangs out there)

55. Bahn Mi sandwiches in the San Gabriel Valley

56. Craftsman homes in Pasadena

57. Pickup basketball at the LA Fitness gym on La Cienega (games are at my slow pace)

58. The hot sauce at Flore Vegan in Silver Lake, along with the Eastsider Tacos (I'm always afraid, though, that I'm going to contract hepatitis or herpes from the hipster wait staff)

59. The hot sauce and the JVC burrito at Burrito Express in Pasadena

60. 99 Ranch Market in San Gabriel

61. Orange Grove Boulevard in Pasadena (reminds me of the book Mildred Pierce)

63. The eggless salad (tofu) sandwich at Whole Foods (these are not available at Whole Foods in Atlanta)

64. The Colorado or Suicide Bridge in Pasadena

65. Pupusas everywhere

66. Grand Central Market downtown

67. Ticktocker Thrift Shop in Culver City

68. Jewish Delis on the Westside (Fromin's, Junior's)

69. 99 Cent Only Stores

70. Pickup basketball at the Venice Beach Boardwalk

71. Regional Chinese food

72. Horchata (It's available here, but it tastes better in L.A. for some reason)

73. Old diners in the San Gabriel Valley (even the ones with crummy food)

74. Glendale Avenue in Glendale (especially the very Armenian part south of Colorado)

75. Brand Bookshop in Glendale

76. Din Tai Fung Dumpling House in Arcadia

77. Alta Dena Cottage Cheese (can't find that in Georgia)

78. So many art house movie theaters and movie theaters in general

79. Sunset Junction Street Fair

80. Tacos La Flama in West L.A. (Is the menu the same as Campos? This used to be a Campos. Anyhow, this place on Barrington is even better)

81. Mario's Italian Deli in Glendale

82. Washington Boulevard in Pasadena (a lot of varied neat stuff on this street like weird, old gas stations)

83. Altadena

84. Little Saigon

85. The old theaters on Broadway Downtown, though I've never been inside the majority of them

86. Musso & Frank Grill

87. City Hall (not so much the people inside, but the iconic, phallic building)

88. Videotheque in South Pasadena

89. Neurotic Jews everywhere (mostly in their cars late to get somewhere)

90. Tough Latinos everywhere (I have never seen a tough looking Latino in Atlanta)

91. Santa Anita Race Track

92. Coyotes (never seen one of those in Atlanta)

93. Mulholland Drive (a good place to bump into coyotes)

94. The 101 drive into Hollywood from the Valley with the view of the Capitol Records building

95. Vietnamese food everywhere

96. Zelo cornmeal crust pizza in Arcadia

97. The Mid-Wilshire District

98. bicycling on the beach

99. Museum of Jurassic Technology

100. Things that have disappeared in recent years such as the Mann National Theater, Laemmle's One Colorado Cinemas, the Rialto Theatre, Rhino Records, Dutton's Books, Gene de Chene Books, the Westwood Arcade and the Ambassador Hotel.

TIRES

2010-02-25T15:30:00.001-08:00

Tire shops are ubiquitous in Georgia easily outnumbering stores that sell things you might actually want. I have pondered why there are so many and the first thing that came to mind is that it does rain a fair amount and after the rain there are a lot of potholes, which could cause significant tire damage. However, I would speculate that the real reason for so many tire shops is a general lack of imagination. Just because you have a bunch of old tires laying around your property and like to mess with cars doesn't mean you should open a tire shop in a saturated market.

On one occasion, I did visit a local tire shop, the late, great Blessing Tire Shop or Blessen Tire Shop (the spelling depends on which side of the building you are looking at). Being a Westside Jew unaccustomed to Southern ways hobbling in on an old flat tire, I naturally assumed that I would be purchasing a new tire or set of tires. Instead, the fella there pulled a nail out of my tire and fixed it for $5. He told me that I could pay him any amount I wanted for filling the tires with air. A month later, a comparatively sleek looking tire store opened across the street (actually I believe they just renovated the place) from Blessing Tire Shop and not surprisingly, Blessing went out of business. It was a cheerless end to a not quite glorious institution.

Anyhow, tire shops in Georgia tend to be exceptionally bedraggled and somewhat photogenic:

$20 max. Can't beat that price.

$20 seems to be the going rate for a used tire

Some tire stores expand into the rim business.

Designing their signs seems to be an afterthought

No more tires

People or at least one person has taken to sitting in front of Blessing Tire Shop. I apologize for not having any photos of it in its glory days when it was up and running and the sun shined high in the sky.

It likely wasn't such a great day for Blessing Tire Shop. Nope, I don't think it was.

PICKUP BASKETBALL AS PLAYED IN THE SOUTH FROM THE PERSPECTIVE OF A WESTSIDE JEW

2010-01-31T12:16:00.000-08:00

You would never guess it by looking at my Jew ass, but I play a fair amount of pickup basketball, and have for several years, even though I have the most limited skills and I'm neither in shape, nor athletic. Since moving to Atlanta, I have witnessed some very serious basketball played at pickup games. The game here is an exceedingly different one than the game played in L.A.

Defense is often an afterthought in pickup games, but in Atlanta, individuals and thrown-together teams play real defense and win by stopping the other team. It's rare that I've ever seen anyone dunk in a pickup game in L.A. In Atlanta, it's a common occurrence. There might be three different guys on one team who dunk in a game. I've seen some flashy dunks, off the backboard and such.

I wouldn't say the game is necessarily more competitive in Atlanta because even the crummiest pickup game can be competitive. But the games do resemble something you might actually want to watch as opposed to guys arguing with each other after every play, not that that doesn't happen in Atlanta too.

Pickup games in L.A. tend me to be more multiethnic, while in Atlanta, games are more multiethnic in the suburbs, where I can find games where I actually fit in skill-wise. (I'm a member of the LA Fitness gym which has 25 or more gyms in the Atlanta area, so I have plenty of choices as to where to play.) Naturally, I try not to insert my not-at-all athletic self into competitive games where just my presence on the court will help the other team win. But I do often find myself in games where everyone's ability level is way beyond mine and where I'm the only white guy.

It's often the case that here in the South, while playing in a gym, someone shouts something to me or at me and I have no idea what they are saying. It's a combination of a Southern accent and the acoustics of a gym that make their taunts or whatever undecipherable to me. However, I can usually understand "Play defense!" or "Guard yo' man!" One time this guy fell down kicking me slightly and asked "Are you straight?" I could only think that he was referring to the many gay guys that work out in this particular gym in Atlantic Station in Midtown. I replied "What?" He repeated, "Are you straight?" and taken aback I replied, "What do you mean by that?" He then explained, "I kicked you in the knee. Are you straight?" It was actually just Southern hospitality rearing its head at an odd moment. I said "Yes. I'm straight" and we resumed the game.

The biggest difference I've noticed in Atlanta from elsewhere is how the game 21 is played. I've played in Upstate New York too and have observed how the game can be played in many different variations. For those who don't know the game, 21 can be played by any number of players at one basket. The person with the ball can be guarded by one or more players and gets two points for each basket. In L.A., you shoot from the free throw line after each basket, making one point each, and can make up to three baskets in a row after which you take the ball out. In Atlanta, you shoot your free throws from the three point line. (This reminds me that another difference in pickup basketball is that three pointers count for two points in Atlanta, while in L.A. they usually count as regular one-point shots). Each person in 21 counts up their own points. When you get to 20, in L.A. you shoot from the three-point line to win; in Atlanta, you sometimes shoot from near half court, though not always. If you miss that final shot, you go back to 15. The half court shot, when the game is played that way, can drag the game on forever. In L.A., 21 is usually played by 3 to 5 players, while in Atlanta, it can be up to 9 guys playing. It's my Jew-ass opinion that playing 21 with 9 guys is a mess (especially because I never manage to grab a rebound and if I do the ball is immediately stolen from me), but it's a popular way to play here. In L.A., with that many people, you would likely play three on three or four on four, which is rare in Atlanta for whatever reason. Also, people slam dunk during games of 21 here, which I have never once seen in L.A.

I guess another main difference for me playing here is that I often feel out of place, but am determined to play anyways because it's fun and an excellent workout. When my hair is long, I wear a headband and look like Björn Borg if he had been really out of shape. One time a guy asked me if I was Spanish. I might as well be a lisping Spanish dude wearing pantaloons. Though, I guess it's sort of an American trait that even if you suck at something (though, I don't quite suck, I can play OK defense and occasionally shoot the three), no matter the glances others give you or the undecipherable taunts you receive, you keep at it stubbornly.

MONTANA AVENUE: STREET OF THE DAMNED

2009-12-28T18:53:00.000-08:00

I often find myself sentimentalizing about various aspects of L.A., such as Glenoaks Boulevard or TV Café, which no one in their right mind should give a damn about. One place, though, that I have zero affection for and which actually physically sickens me is Montana Avenue in Santa Monica, where every third person is carrying a yoga mat. Here is a sort of bitter high school type poem, which might be scrawled on notebook paper during detention, about the insidiousness of Montana Avenue:

Aromatherapeutic quaint
afternoon latte sipping
organic kitchenware pit of hell
burn boutique burn
Williams-Sonoma face explosion
dog pillow emporium
for plastic surgery victims
eating Tuscan wood-fired
chicken alfredo death burgers
beauty salon where the souls of the dead
rise and ravage the creative hairstyles
of the pilates Nazis
holistic whore with spectacular
collage art on display
your novelty dog and cat sweaters
don’t fit
and
aren’t cute.

http://www.montanaave.com/home/index.asp

FRIED TURKEY

2009-11-25T22:11:00.000-08:00

Listening to Georgia Public Radio the other day, my wife caught a story which was a list of safe suggestions for Thanksgiving, which can get so out of control I guess. One of these suggestions was not to fry the turkey in a pot of oil. I had never heard of or imagined this idea of fried turkey. While normal turkey is fairly disgusting and frying it couldn't make it any worse, it seems like an all-around cockamamie idea to fry something as large as a turkey. But I live in the South now and I guess I should try and get used to the idea of small mammals, fairly large birds and even medium-sized humanoids being deep-fried. Happy Thanksgiving, my Bejesus-lovin', gravy-simmering, Jew-frying neighbors.

THE FRINGE FACTORY

2009-11-22T19:55:00.000-08:00

Over the decades, I've been to all types of themed clubs: '60s underground garage rock, '70s disco, the obligatory '80s new wave, '20s speakeasy, Brit-pop, goth, industrial (lame), soul and hip-hop. But I do not recall ever attending a '60s psychedelic-themed club. I'm very much into the British whimsical style of psychedelia that the likes of Donovan and Syd Barrett mastered, anything about gnomes or butterflies (if you can write songs about those subjects, then you are a great songwriter), though I've never been so crazy for the generally American version that's more about wanky guitars.

Anyhow, I was excited about The Fringe Factory, Atlanta's monthly club that was previously held at the Highland Ballroom (where we checked out the Peachtree Soul Club last week), but which has recently moved to a much larger space, the Spring4th Center in Midtown. Upon arrival last night, I was immediately impressed with the attention to detail in the club's decoration: the little mushroom statues (I saw a guy try to put a drink on one), the beaded curtain style door in the space and time machine chill lounge (where there was an Asian gal DJ playing some out-there, mostly ambient music), the 45s strung together in the Peacock Lounge, the kaleidoscopic art on the walls and the '60s movies playing in several rooms. There were only a couple of bearded fellows in attendance who looked as if they had actually experienced the '60s, but in general the crowd skewed pretty old, near my age (38), and it was not so dominated by hipsters. A decent amount of people were dressed up. My tie-dye and various velour shirts no longer fit. The smoking jacket didn't really make sense. My blue velvet jacket is a little too warm for a club. So, the wife (who only wears black and purple) and I were dressed as if it were any odd night out.

In the main room, the music blasting was obscure psych and I couldn't name even one of the bands they played. Psychedelic music doesn't necessarily lend itself to dancing, except for that spacey hippy dance one can really only do in an ironic fashion. So the main room was more of a band room, while the Peacock Lounge around back was where the majority of the dancing was going on to a '60s soul soundtrack. I wasn't nuts about either of the two main stage acts, the New Orleans organ/puppet show, Quintron and Miss Pussycat, whom I saw over a decade ago play in the LAX Theme Building's Encounter Bar in L.A., or the Electric Cycles, a local garage band with floppy hair and suits. But in the Peacock Lounge, there were two terrific sets by Spencer Garn's Psychedelic Organ. This local gentleman can play the organ and he and his all-instrumental band grooved frenetically for two sets, including a late night one that packed a small enthusiastic crowd 'til 2:30 am. What was with the one couple dirty dancing? They were so wild that people had to clear out somewhat when the girl flipped around with her heels in the air. I thought it neat that this club went to 4 am, though I didn't last to that hour. I haven't checked out Atlanta's nightlife scene extensively, but compared to elsewhere, I'd say it's very much lively and groovy with plenty of gigantic, fairly unique club spaces and no shortage of swell ideas and themes. And drinks are so cheap, $5 for a cocktail in many places, as if it was 1992.

www.myspace.com/fringefactory

DETHKLOK, MASTODON AND CONVERGE AT TABERNACLE

2009-11-06T10:24:00.000-08:00

There is such a plethora of churches in Atlanta, the South and actually the whole length and width of this silly country, thank the lord someone turned one of them into a godless concert venue. I had heard talk of the club Tabernacle, but had just walked by the huge brick edifice of this converted church for the first time a few days before the brutal concert lineup that had turned me into a hyperactive, shrieking schoolgirl: Mastodon, Converge and the almighty Dethklok.

When I arrived at the packed and very sold-out (scalper tickets were $80), all-ages concert, I was blown away by the humongousness of Tabernacle (its capacity is 2600 smelly people). It has two separate balcony floors, a very large basement that could be a venue itself, a crowded outside smoking area and numerous rooms filled with assorted antiques, stained glass and what looked to be leftover fake outsider art from when the venue was a House of Blues briefly in the '90s. The very large main room has a beautiful chandelier and a neat, painted ceiling (I'm going to guess it's not original, but it could be) partially obscured by concert lighting. An awesome venue, Tabernacle is owned by the largest concert company in the world, Live Nation, who book Wembley Arena in London and the like.

I had seen Converge in their earlier years, when they were associated with the mostly East Coast metalcore scene (I don't even think that term is in use anymore). They have since matured into a nuanced extreme metal band and I very much dig their latest and perhaps finest record, Axe to Fall, which came out a few weeks ago. I think the parts of the capacity crowd not familiar with Converge, which would be most of the crowd, took a while to get used to singer Jacob Bannon, the spastic, somewhat awkward, Napoleon-sized fella with the receding hairline, who does not look very metal. Also, the guitar was way too low in the mix for the first few songs. But by the end of their shredding set, which bent from gloom to screeching din to massive mosh chords, folks were very much into it. Converge has taken the aesthetic of New England straight-edge-sounding hardcore to the outer limits.

http://www.convergecult.com

Mastodon is one of Atlanta's preeminent bands and I had never quite made it to see them before. I have always dug where they were coming from, their mega-themed albums conceived on subjects like Herman Melville's Moby Dick and their new album, Crack the Skye, which has a Tsarist Russian theme. It's maybe more the concepts and originality that I admired than the actual music. (I have always been a sucker for any metal with even the slightest literary or historic reference.) So, more so than the other bands, I was truly floored by their show, which was accompanied by some mesmerizing video imagery of evil men in beards, dueling Chinese dragons, giant, Satanic-looking buckheads and lots of burning devil creatures. The band itself is bearded and coiffed like a heavy metal version of Black Oak Arkansas, as Southern backwoods metal looking as you can get. These burly fellas play some highfalutin music that is both psychedelic and gargantuan, no easy task, and manage to live up to all their hype.

http://www.mastodonrocks.com

Dethklok is of course the most successful band in the history of music, the twelfth largest economy in the world, just above Belgium. The animated deth metal band is the creation of Brendon Small, who previously did the brilliant animated Home Movies on Adult Swim for five seasons before coming up with the ludicrous original concept of Metalocalpyse about a dunderheaded death metal band that has become a cultural and economic force. Though the show was scheduled in the wee hours and episodes were generally eleven minutes long, Metalocalpyse struck a chord in the almost humorless universe of metal, making fun of minutia of the genre well beyond This is Spinal Tap. Rather than try to replicate the characters on the show and turn them into life-size versions onstage, which would have been not all that easy to pull off and perhaps turned out like Bear Country Jamboree, the live show is made up of subtly humorous videos, with a lot of similar imagery to Mastodon's videos or any metal videos you might see on Headbangers Ball, only with the violence and irony quotient turned way up. Brendon and his band, who look not at all like a death metal band, sounded utterly authentic aided by a fanatical audience, who shouted along to the lyrics, an almost unheard of happening at death metal concerts, and bought a lot of merch. While Mastodon's set was nearly as lengthy as Moby Dick, Dethklok kept it short and to the point, pulverizing my brain into a piece of lifeless putty.

http://www.adultswim.com/shows/metalocalypse/index.html